Back to waiting.

2018-04-17_19-03-33_405

Got a call from DHS yesterday about a 9yr old boy, but he was in a different county and I’ve been advised not to take placements for kiddos outside of my county, so I had to say no.

Waiting, waiting.

I thought after Little One left, I would need a while before another placement, but I feel like I’m ready now.

Waiting and praying.

Advertisements

Life is “back to normal.” 

I don’t have much to update on.

No updates about Little One, nor do I think I’ll ever get any.

No calls from DHS regarding new placements.

I miss the every day mess and noise of a kiddo in the house. I’ve spent a lot of time walking my dog and watching Lost in Space on Netflix, and listening to the Trolls soundtrack (which was Little One’s favorite).

I’ll leave you with a cute (but infuriating) puppy picture. Moony thought it was a good idea to dig a big muddy hole. He was very proud of himself. I was highly annoyed! My landlord probably won’t be amused.  (Can you believe this guy is only 6 months old?! He’s huge!)

image1
Sassy puppy. 

 

She’s gone and I’m…

fine?

tenor

The DHS worker showed up around 4 and luckily, brought little brother along. She was SO happy to see him.

“Brother, come see my room!” she squealed excitedly. Oh, Little One. How did she sleep last night in another new room? What will she think when she realizes she isn’t ever coming back to “her room?”

I’m glad she’s with people who know her. I just pray they’re good people who will take good care of them.

I cried this morning as I squeezed water out of bath toys so I could take a shower. When I found crayons and fruit snacks at the bottom of my purse. When I turned around in my car and saw her car seat in the back. They can’t prepare you for these things.

My heart hurts with missing her. With not knowing if I’ll ever see her smiling face again.

 

The happiest kiddo at the park.

IMG_6125

Little One’s leaving today. Right now she’s watching Trolls while we wait for someone from DHS to show up and transport her to a provisional home.

We took her to a park this morning and she had a blast. I wish I could share pictures. You’ve never seen a happier kiddo. She laughed and ran and played with abandon.

We haven’t told her she’s leaving, DHS hasn’t given us any details, it’s so hard to communicate uncertainty to a 4 year old.

Last night I made her a small picture album with pictures of her over this last week, pictures of her and us and then some pictures of us so she can remember us. I looked at it with her this morning and she said “Oh, I LOVE this picture book!”  I’m glad she’ll have something to remember us by, even if we don’t get to see her again.

This is hard. I shed a LOT of tears yesterday. I sobbed as I walked through the house, collecting her belongings. How did she invade every room of our house so quickly!?

Today I’ve been ok. I’m praying this home is what’s best for her.

It was only a week. Only a week but my heart is forever changed.

“From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety.” – Psalm 61:2

Still here.

Little One is still with us. No further contact or update from DHS yesterday at all. We’re just going to barrel along as if she’s staying, until she isn’t. Gonna keep loving her with all I have.

How do people do this? How do you make plans? 

 

“When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” – John 15:10-13

Uncertainty.

Uncertainty
1: The quality or state of being uncertain : doubt

In Foster Care, uncertainty is a constant state of being. So far, it’s been the hardest part. Will I have this little love for one night or four hundred and twenty-nine? Will she go home tomorrow or in six months or fourteen?

  • DHS, Friday, 4/6: Little One may be leaving today or tomorrow to go to another foster home with her little brother.
  • DHS, Monday, 4/9: Little One may be leaving today to go to a provisional (kinship) home.

From day one, I’ve loved Little One with my whole heart. I didn’t hold back. No doubt it’s going to gut me when she leaves, whenever that is. But I truly only want what’s best for her.

She’s smart and sweet and funny and resilient. She misses her family, but she’s still able to love hard with her beautiful little heart. She looks in the mirror and says to herself in her new dress, “Oh, I’m so gorgeous!” She says “Thanks, mom, this psketti is so delicious!” even though it’s filled with pureed carrot (“Gross!”) that I snuck in the sauce! She’s proud of herself when she goes on the potty and announces it to everyone, even the dogs, “Moony, I peeped in the potty!” She loves grapes, but only if they’re peeled. She fills our home with giggles and snuggles and pink and singing and kisses.

I’ve been praying for her family and praying that God will allow her to be in the best possible place for her. If this provisional home is it, then I want it for her. I’ll be truly happy for her.

More to come as I wait for the call, text or email that will end the uncertainty. Or maybe contain another maybe. Or maybe it won’t come at all. 

No matter what happens… there may be many that come after my Little One, but I will forever feel her presence in my heart. She’s my first. The one who made me Momma Jes. 

“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.” Romans 12:9-10

p.s. Can you believe I didn’t shed a single tear while writing that… because I can’t?! lol

Dogs and Kids.

We have 3 dogs and I was worried about how they’d do when Little One arrived and invaded every corner of our lives. They’ve been amazing. Moony is twice her size, but has been so calm and sweet to her. Sulley and Lady are enjoying the extra snuggles.

She had a hard time falling asleep tonight, getting up several times in protest. Sulley and Lady are both in bed with her now, and I can hear her precious little voice talking to them. Telling them about her day and whispering to them in a language only dogs and kids understand. I’m so glad they’re there to give her some extra (and much needed) comfort.