“Are you a Mom?”

I stopped at the store this morning before work, and the cashier asked, “Are you a Mom?”

Uhhh… She gave me a funny look as I paused to think about what she thought was a simple yes or no question. A hundred thoughts raced through my head in that handful of seconds… [Well technically, I have no biologically children, but I am a foster mom, but I don’t have any kiddos with me now, but I did about a month ago and she called me Mom and I felt like a Mom, but now I don’t quite know and I feel like a Mom with no children, and  I also don’t feel like a Mom and I don’t know does that make me a Mom? You tell me, cashier I met 3.5 seconds ago, because I’ve been wrestling with these thoughts and feelings for weeks now.]

I started to speak, and stopped. This cashier didn’t need to know my complicated thoughts on the topic…

“Yes?” I said with a slight question.

She smiled. Wished the weird lady a “happy early Mother’s Day.” And looked towards her next customer.

Happy early Mother’s Day Moms. No matter what state of “Mom” you currently reside in, I see you.

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Uncertainty.

Uncertainty
1: The quality or state of being uncertain : doubt

In Foster Care, uncertainty is a constant state of being. So far, it’s been the hardest part. Will I have this little love for one night or four hundred and twenty-nine? Will she go home tomorrow or in six months or fourteen?

  • DHS, Friday, 4/6: Little One may be leaving today or tomorrow to go to another foster home with her little brother.
  • DHS, Monday, 4/9: Little One may be leaving today to go to a provisional (kinship) home.

From day one, I’ve loved Little One with my whole heart. I didn’t hold back. No doubt it’s going to gut me when she leaves, whenever that is. But I truly only want what’s best for her.

She’s smart and sweet and funny and resilient. She misses her family, but she’s still able to love hard with her beautiful little heart. She looks in the mirror and says to herself in her new dress, “Oh, I’m so gorgeous!” She says “Thanks, mom, this psketti is so delicious!” even though it’s filled with pureed carrot (“Gross!”) that I snuck in the sauce! She’s proud of herself when she goes on the potty and announces it to everyone, even the dogs, “Moony, I peeped in the potty!” She loves grapes, but only if they’re peeled. She fills our home with giggles and snuggles and pink and singing and kisses.

I’ve been praying for her family and praying that God will allow her to be in the best possible place for her. If this provisional home is it, then I want it for her. I’ll be truly happy for her.

More to come as I wait for the call, text or email that will end the uncertainty. Or maybe contain another maybe. Or maybe it won’t come at all. 

No matter what happens… there may be many that come after my Little One, but I will forever feel her presence in my heart. She’s my first. The one who made me Momma Jes. 

“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.” Romans 12:9-10

p.s. Can you believe I didn’t shed a single tear while writing that… because I can’t?! lol

Roller coaster.

This whole thing. This foster mom thing. Roller. Coaster.

I’ve laughed and giggled today with my precious Little One. I’ve sobbed in my car and at my desk at work. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m happy.

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This is already both the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the best.

God grant me the strength, courage and peace I need to do this.

 

So it begins.

FK3XLqiThis morning (Easter Sunday) at 1:30 am I woke up to a call from DHS. I was asleep at my parent’s house, which is about 1.5 hours away from my home.

Emergency placement needed for a 3 or 4 year old little boy (they weren’t sure of his exact age). They gave me a brief reason as to why he was coming into care, they had no other info.

Could I take him?

I told her it would take me about 2 hours to get home, but I could take him if that would work for them.

She told me she’d call the intake caseworker and call me back.

I woke up my mom because I couldn’t help myself. (Thank God for supportive Moms, am I right?!) The adrenaline was pumping!

In my head, I was making a list of the things I needed to send my sister to the store to get as I would gather the dogs and drive home in the middle of the night. She called back 10 minutes later and said they’d found a relative that would take him.

Family is usually the best option, so I was happy that they’d found someone. But, I was wide awake and couldn’t turn off my brain.

Mom and I sat and talked for about an hour before going back to bed.

Back in bed I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about that little boy. Thinking about how scared he must be, how confused. I didn’t fall back to sleep until about 4:30 am.

A stupid notification woke me up at about 5:45 am. I sat up instantly and said out loud to the empty room “You have GOT to be kidding me!”

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I’ve been a zombie all day. I’m truly surprised I didn’t fall asleep during Easter church service, during Easter lunch at my Aunt’s house with the whole family, or during the 1.5 hr drive home. I’m ready to CRASH!

 

To Do:

  • Learn how to turn off my brain and fall back to sleep after being woken by a middle of the night placement call. (as I’m sure this will not be the last.)
  • Go to bed: now!

I hope everyone had a blessed Easter!

HE IS RISEN! 

I knew I loved you before I met you.

I keep thinking about “my” future kiddos. I don’t know their names, I don’t know what they look like. I don’t know if they’ll be short or tall; have curly hair or straight.

I keep wondering where they are right now. Are they okay? Are they hungry? Are they scared, hurting, alone? Is anyone going to bring them an Easter basket this weekend?

My heart breaks for these kiddos. I literally know nothing about them, but I already love them. How’s that even possible? (Well, I mean, I know how it’s possible. God makes it possible. But still, it’s a crazy feeling.)

Still waiting. Still praying. 

*Happy Good Friday*

Patience.

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Still no word from DHS. Still not open.

I’m praying daily that I will be patient and just rest in the knowledge that God’s timing is always perfect.

I truly believe that, but man is it hard to live sometimes.

 

In other news:

  • I haven’t had an anxiety dream the last two nights, so that’s good!
  • I’ve been watching lots videos on YouTube about foster care and adoption (and shedding lots of tears!).
  • I started reading The Connected Child, it’s very interesting so far.

Wake up.

I keep having these unpleasant anxiety dreams.

In them, I’m fostering a baby (or two) and I keep forgetting about them. Just totally forgetting I’m supposed to take care of them.

I get up and go to work and then as I’m sitting down at my desk I realize that the baby is still at home in the crib, alone.

I get out of the car at the store and just go in, forgetting the babies are in the back seat.

I walk around the grocery store with the baby in the cart, I get my groceries, put them in the car, I put the cart away and drive home, leaving the baby in the cart.

Every time I realize that I’ve forgotten the baby somewhere, I feel a terrible pang of guilt and incredible anxiety. I start to rush back to the baby but never quite make it back to see if they are OK before I wake up.

I wake up feeling very real anxiety.

You can stop with these dreams now brain, that’s quite enough.