I’m at war.

Swallows. They’re cute little birds that swoop and soar in graceful circles through the air.

They’re also relentless pests. A pair has determined that they are going to build their nest above my front door. I’ve scraped off their mud splatters at least 5 times now.

This is what my front door looked like a couple days ago.

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Listen. Anywhere else on my house and I’d leave them, but this is above my front door. I open it and mud falls down on me. My front porch is full of bird poop, dried grass and dried mud.

The devil is alive on my front stoop, y’all. They won’t stop.

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I tried a powerfully scented cleaner. They came back.

I stuck a bunch of nails in some duct tape and put it up, so the nails were pointing upwards. The next day, there was fresh mud in between the nails.

The internet said to hang shiny things. I tried foil. I made some hanging things out of old soda cans.

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Didn’t work.

This morning I opened my front door and they were flying around in circles and chattering at me. They’re mad. I’m mad.

I heard they don’t like peppermint essential oil, so I put a bunch of that up there this morning. We’ll see what I find when I get home from work.

I’m going to Wal-Mart to get some more supplies. A plastic owl, some actual bird spikes, anything else I can think of.

They’re relentless, I’m determined.

 

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Expectant.

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I pass this sign on the way into work every day.

 

I’m not pregnant. But I am expectant.

I have an empty room. Two empty beds.

I jump every time the phone rings or dings.

It’s the nature of foster care.

I’m not in a hurry for another placement, just waiting for God’s perfect timing.

It’s been over a week now since Little One left and I know I needed some time to grieve that.

But, I’m ready now. And waiting.

Expectant.

Back to waiting.

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Got a call from DHS yesterday about a 9yr old boy, but he was in a different county and I’ve been advised not to take placements for kiddos outside of my county, so I had to say no.

Waiting, waiting.

I thought after Little One left, I would need a while before another placement, but I feel like I’m ready now.

Waiting and praying.

Life is “back to normal.” 

I don’t have much to update on.

No updates about Little One, nor do I think I’ll ever get any.

No calls from DHS regarding new placements.

I miss the every day mess and noise of a kiddo in the house. I’ve spent a lot of time walking my dog and watching Lost in Space on Netflix, and listening to the Trolls soundtrack (which was Little One’s favorite).

I’ll leave you with a cute (but infuriating) puppy picture. Moony thought it was a good idea to dig a big muddy hole. He was very proud of himself. I was highly annoyed! My landlord probably won’t be amused.  (Can you believe this guy is only 6 months old?! He’s huge!)

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Sassy puppy. 

 

She’s gone and I’m…

fine?

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The DHS worker showed up around 4 and luckily, brought little brother along. She was SO happy to see him.

“Brother, come see my room!” she squealed excitedly. Oh, Little One. How did she sleep last night in another new room? What will she think when she realizes she isn’t ever coming back to “her room?”

I’m glad she’s with people who know her. I just pray they’re good people who will take good care of them.

I cried this morning as I squeezed water out of bath toys so I could take a shower. When I found crayons and fruit snacks at the bottom of my purse. When I turned around in my car and saw her car seat in the back. They can’t prepare you for these things.

My heart hurts with missing her. With not knowing if I’ll ever see her smiling face again.

 

The happiest kiddo at the park.

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Little One’s leaving today. Right now she’s watching Trolls while we wait for someone from DHS to show up and transport her to a provisional home.

We took her to a park this morning and she had a blast. I wish I could share pictures. You’ve never seen a happier kiddo. She laughed and ran and played with abandon.

We haven’t told her she’s leaving, DHS hasn’t given us any details, it’s so hard to communicate uncertainty to a 4 year old.

Last night I made her a small picture album with pictures of her over this last week, pictures of her and us and then some pictures of us so she can remember us. I looked at it with her this morning and she said “Oh, I LOVE this picture book!”  I’m glad she’ll have something to remember us by, even if we don’t get to see her again.

This is hard. I shed a LOT of tears yesterday. I sobbed as I walked through the house, collecting her belongings. How did she invade every room of our house so quickly!?

Today I’ve been ok. I’m praying this home is what’s best for her.

It was only a week. Only a week but my heart is forever changed.

“From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety.” – Psalm 61:2

Still here.

Little One is still with us. No further contact or update from DHS yesterday at all. We’re just going to barrel along as if she’s staying, until she isn’t. Gonna keep loving her with all I have.

How do people do this? How do you make plans? 

 

“When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” – John 15:10-13